so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
