I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
