The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
