Cold hands, warm shart.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
