theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
