Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am midnight drunk by noon
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
