I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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