Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
