Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
