I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
