her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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