I just saw a hot homeless man
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
