I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
