I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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