I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
