you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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