3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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