I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
