I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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