walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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