i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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