with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
