i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
