Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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