you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
