On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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