Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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