There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
