Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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