i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
