ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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