worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
