...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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