This is not my ceiling
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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