yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
