Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
