Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
