so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You took a bar mat shot.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
