the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
