Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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