i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Did I show you my penis last night?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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