Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
