I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need water and some morals
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
