dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
