Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
