Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
