I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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