I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
