So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
