Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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