I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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