he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
