Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
