I accidentally had phone sex last night
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
