this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
