Just fell off a train. Bad.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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