dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
